I have always loved shoes. When I was a kid my mother bought us shoes that we called "ugly shoes" they were not cute, they were not feminine, they were ugly. When I got a job and could buy my own shoes, I couldn't wait to buy fun, cute and adorable shoes. But there was one problem--I was a size ten and size tens were not glorious shoes back then so I was forced to wear clobber shoes, better known by my sister and me as "ugly shoes". My life went on in the ugly shoes, and one day a new shoe store came to the parish, it was called "Shoe Town" and it became one of my favorite places to shop. There were rows and rows of shoes and all the way to the back there was half a rack of not so bad almost normal looking and sometimes 'cute' shoes. One payday when I had some money to blow, I found myself at that half a rack gazing at my choices when suddenly I saw shoes that were past cute, they were fabulous! Oh yes, they were long and required a bigger box, but they were bright red patton leather and shiny. The design was genius and the scoop from heel to the toe was so elegant, I couldn't want to put them on my foot. As fast as my hands would work, I pulled them out of the box and was sitting on that little bench trying them on. I held my foot out in front of me and tears dampened my eyes--they were glorious! I had never in all my twenty years, seen such a beautiful thing at the end of my leg. They made them look stylish, elegant and glamorous. I turned my foot ever so slightly and let the light catch the glitter of the patton leather--I was gorgeous! I couldn't wait to get up and sasshay around in them. But turned out, those bright and shiny shoes were not so easy to stand up in, much less walk around in. My ankles buckled as I rose from the bench and as I fought for balance, I realized standing in heels took poise and feminine skill, so I flipped my hair back and summoned my Marilyn Monroe and prepared to be a vixen. Well, let's just say my inner vixen was no match for these shoes, I had a pain in my arch and fell to the floor. Yes, my first time in beautiful shoes, the kind I'd been dreaming of for so many years put me on the floor and made me look like a puddle of flubber with two spikes protruding from my feet. I got up and tried to walk, but no matter how I tried, I could not make it in those heels.
I cried about those shoes; back then I was more than chunky and trying to fit in with the skinny people was hard for me. I couldn't wear the short shorts, I couldn't do spaghetti straps, or tube tops, I could not fit into blue jeans and I wasn't working the mini skirt too well, either. I couldn't fit into the mold of the average girl who was wearing a size ten and under, but I could fit into those shoes and they made me feel hip and modern and, well, not so fat.
Today I look at cute little sundresses and halter tops; knee high boots and leggins; bikinis and 2 piece bathing suits and realize I'm still forced to window shop. Do I really want to wear a bikini? Heck no, I'd have to lose a lot of weight to fit into one and I know that will happen, but once I get there will my 50 plus body look good in strings? Uh, I don't think so. What I'm really looking for now is to be able to shop with my fashion sense and not have to worry about size sense--is this appropriate for a woman of size? Will these boots fit around my massive calves? Just how big will that skirt make my bulging butt look, I wonder? I want to be able to see a dress that makes me get all giddy and be able to say, "I want that!" and be able to buy it with no question or fear of it not coming in my size. I want to be able to go into a store and not have to look for special sizes, and I want to lose the fear of worrying about what the sales person is thinking when I ask "does this come in my size?" I still love heels and I know that my knees and back will not allow me to wear the spikes, but I still look forward to buying a pair of shoes with a little heel on them that makes me look smart, chic and sexy that will allow me the thrill of sashaying about feeling like a superstar.
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