Letting Go

When I was a young girl, my school went to visit the International Trade Mark building in New Orleans, Louisiana.  I had never been so high in my life, the elevator ride alone made me sick and when we got to the top of the building I was petrified with fear.  Everybody walked out on the rooftop with thrilling remarks but all I could do was grab hold of a pole and hang on for dear life.  Once someone realized what was going on with me, they tried to talk me out of being afraid but I was lost in the trauma, I could not breath, talking was out of the question and I thought I would die on that roof.  Two teachers and a security guard later, I finally got the courage to swap my death grip on the pole for a tight grip on the guard and he led me into the building and safely down the elevator.  I swore I would never go in a tall building again and couldn't wait to get back to the country where two floors was the maximum.  But when I got my first job it was in the city and on the tenth floor; of course my desk was right next to a window.  Heart pounding, sweat beading, clammy hands and green skinned I prepared myself to be fired.  I knew I'd never make it until lunch time much less the end of the day, my fear of heights was so drastic.  But I was lucky, the woman sharing the office with me recognized my plight and gave me some good advise.  She said, "honey, sometimes you just have to let go of your fears and fly with the wind."  I didn't like her advise or her choice of words, it was like she was inviting me to open the window and fly with the breeze. I was too afraid to function and was willing to call it quits but little Miss Let Go and Fly taped paper on the window so I couldn't see out and moved my desk away from the window and I made it through the week.  One day, as I set there fearing the impossible-thinking the window would break and I would fall through it, I started to realize how silly I was being.  I thought the only thing standing between me and my fear of heights is that skinny piece of paper, what kind of protection was that?  I was still engaged in a death grip on that roof, fearing the space between me and the ground, and there was no guard to carry me downstairs to my safety.  So I forced myself to think calmly and rationally and by the time I got my first pay check, I was able to let go, I took the paper down and instead of  fearing the fall I pretended to take flight--for all of a moment I was a bird flying through the air liberated--free to mount high upon the wind.  It was a good thing and it enabled me to keep my job and continue to work on the tenth floor.  I can compare so many things to that incident on the top of the World Trade Building.  I realize the thing that paralyzed me was not the height of the building, but my fear of falling.  In my life I have been haunted by many fears and they have indeed impaired me and held me back keeping me from doing so much.  When I look back on my life and realize the boxes that fear built around me, the limitation, isolation, confinements--I realize I have missed out on so much.
          In life we either stand still or we move on.  Sometimes events are so horrific they keep us imprisoned; the pain, the injury the effect of the assault is so heinous it throws us into a state of shock and depression is eminent.  Sometimes we get angry and bitterness makes up the bars that keep us bound.  In other incidents, we are paralyzed by the pain and the fear of being hurt again.  But whatever makes up the chain that holds us down, there is only one person with the power to set us free.  The key to letting go of the tragedy of the past that devastated us is in our hands.  Reality tells us that we cannot avenge ourselves, the more we try the deeper we dig ourselves into a hole of oppression that keeps us down.  The hope of punishing our villains is vanished once we realize that the act of tearing down and destroying has a double blade and the harder we try to serve our enemy a dish of revenge the more injury we heap upon ourselves.  Once we are capable of coming to a point of acceptance, we are given the ability to let go and once we do, we are free.
     I've let too many things stand in my way, too many fears entangle me, too many hurts immobilize me. I have been so depressed for so long I didn't realize the damage it was doing to my physical person and my emotions were so tied up in just trying to survive I couldn't enjoy the thing I was trying to save.  Now I'm faced with a very large hill to climb and the way up will not be easy, but I will not allow myself to slide down any further.  I am not as helpless as I was led to believe and I know I have the power to change.    I am letting go of the fear and I am jumping into the winds of change.