Until the Pain of remaining the same is greater than the Pain to change, you will choose to remain the same.

Out of seven children only two of us got the fat gene.  I never could understand it, didn't think it was fair but sometimes life blows.  I was a shy kid--painfully so, afraid to say anything for fear of being laughed at, fussed at or simply ignored.  I was a husky girl, a big boned teenager and a plus size bride; by the time I was thirty I was just fat.  I was content, though, married to a man who loved a woman of size, who loved to eat and never complained about anything.  Fear is my greatest motivator and when I found being fat complicated my health at 35 I got scared enough to lose one hundred pounds--it made me a super star.  I became a recipe modifier, I changed one thousand calorie per serving cakes into three hundred calories master pieces; I was a motivational speaker and had more invitations than I could handle, I was the first fat person ever to teach aerobic classes and designed fitness programs for people in wheelchairs.  I had such a passion for weight loss and fitness and made so much noise I was featured in the newspaper and magazines and had guest spots on television.  But in time, I sank into a hole in life; confronted with arthritis and injuries I became immobile and when my daughter became ill, I lost all contact with what I wanted and lived for taking care of her.  Pretty soon I was stinking depressed and had grown into a mammoth monstrosity with enormous challenges that had once been easy and natural like gardening, biking, walking.  By the time I realized I was in trouble, I was morbidly obese and the health care professionals I reached out to were not so kind.  I was told many unkind things and soon I was not only afraid to seek medical advise, I was afraid to leave my house.  What happens to a woman who goes from being healthy, active, useful, energetic and full of life to just being there?  One day the power went out and I was forced to see my reflection in the dead screen of the television and that's when I realized how very much I had changed.  I had fooled myself into believing the reason I could not walk well was because of the arthritis in my knees and back but the truth of the matter was that I was just too fat.  I waddled, I jiggled --to go twenty feet made me out of breath.  It was a sad realization.  I made up my mind in November 2011 that I needed help so I signed up for the Bariatrics surgery at Ohio State University.  I made the orientation, did the physical evaluation, the cardio clearance, the sleep study--but when I went for the psychiatric evaluation I failed it, the psychiatrist said I was too depressed and my care for my daughter conflicted with my care for myself.  He wanted me to spend three months with a therapist but I couldn't afford the co pays so for six months so I sought help from a friend of mine who is in school to be an exercise physiologist.  In all of this time, I did not lose a pound, in fact, I continued to gain about a pound a week, it was frightening.    Finally in September 2012, I went back to the Bariatrics Program and the psychiatrist approved me for surgery, but told me I had to complete a three month weight loss program with them and lose ten per cent of my weight.  And so my journey began, I made up my mind to save myself.  I started my program in November, just two days before Thanksgiving and was told it was a bad time and perhaps I'd like to wait until January.  What?  Put my life on hold for another two months?  No thank you.  I made a commitment that day to go forward and that night I sat on the computer working with a calorie analyzer discovering what the calories were in the foods I'd prepared for Thanksgiving Dinner.  Now that was a scary thing--nothing was less than four hundred calories and my baked macaroni was almost nine hundred calories for a little block!  I told myself I could eat, but I would not go overboard but being aware of what I was eating was a real eye opener.  I had managed to fool myself for the past two years, convincing myself that I was fat because I could not move, Lord knows I did not eat enough to merit my fat index but I was wrong.  I realized in that week that I was fat because of the fast food, the butter, the mayonnaise, the lattes, the frapachinos, the desserts I only had two servings of.  I realized I was responsible for my mammoth monster, not the arthritis or the depression.  Poor choices, laziness, letting things go--it was on me.  That's when I decided to pay attention and start making some wiser choices.  One of my favorite quotes, "Until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain to change, you'll choose to remain the same."  I have struggled with this for years and only now have I realized that I have the power to change only one thing--myself.  My strength is gathered, my hope is back and I am ready to do what was once deemed impossible, take my life back.